Do you have a question or need advice regarding transgender, transsexual or cross-dressing issues that you would like to ask Tammy?
To ask Tammy a question and get her advice, send her an email @ firstname.lastname@example.org
*Tammy Reed is not a licensed counselor, therapist or doctor in any way. Any advice given by Tammy is soley based on research and/or experiance by her or others.
The following are real emails sent to Tammy from readers of her column asking for advice, along with Tammy's responses:
July 29th, 2014
It feels good to be able to write to someone about this topic. I can relate to your writer who finds his attraction to tg's as he gets olde even stronger.
I've been attracted for over ten yrs and have had contact with a few tg's in my city and when I was in Thailand. The shame but overwhelming attraction have been a source of dis ease for a long time.
I'm in a hetero relationship currently which is going well but my desires are still strong. My gf knows a little about my attraction and isn't supportive only because of her love and fear of losing me.
But every time I visualize myself with a tg it opens up something in me that just feels right. At the same time I wish I didn't have to deal with it but that's not really an option anymore.
I'm a year sober because drugs and alcohol were ruining my life. I'm better without them but I'm still not happy and I think this issue is a big part of it. One day I'll be able to be comfortable with whatever comes.
Thank you for your email, I greatly appreciate it. I also want to start off by saying congratulations on your 1-year anniversary of being clean and sober. That is a major accomplishment, and something to be very proud of!
I am glad to hear that you could relate to my article. It is people like you for whom I intended to reach out to with that article. With that said, your situation is not an easy situation to be in, or to solve. However, I will say that you are by no means alone., as you could tell by my article.
The first thing you have to do is figure out if your attraction to transgender women is a genuine attraction or simply a fantasy of yours. I gathered from what little you wrote in your email that you have never actually been in a relationship with a transgender woman. If that is the case, then you do not necessarily know that you would actually prefer a relationship with a transgender woman. You could possibly just be attracted to the idea or fantasy of being with one. After all, if you are referring to pre-op transgender women, there are obvious physical differences between a pre-op transgender woman and a GG (genetic woman). Obviously those physical differences would have a huge factor in your attraction and relationship, especially sexually. If what you have is simply a fantasy, that's fine, there is nothing wrong with that. Fantasies are a great thing to have, though you should never allow a fantasy to ruin a happy relationship that you are already in.
Second, keep in mind that no matter who you choose to have a relationship with, there will always be times where you will have doubts about whether or not you are with the right person... that's just human nature. You need to ask yourself the following: Is the reason you want to be with a transgender woman instead of the GG you are currently with truly because your are more attracted to transgender women, or is it because of second thoughts you are having with your current partner due to other reasons?
Once you figure out those two things, you will be able to know what you should do. If you truly are more attracted to transgender women (physically, sexually, mentally, etc.), then you may need to re-evaluate the situation you are in now before it goes any further. On the other hand, if you are truly in love with the GG you are with now, and being with a transgender woman is simply just a fantasy of yours, then work on your current relationship and be thankful for what you have.
If something happens and your current relationship doesn't work out, or you one day realize that you are not attracted to genetic women after all, then see about dating someone who is transgender if that is what you are attracted to. Then you will know which you prefer to be with physically, sexually, mentally, etc.
Keep in mind that I am by no means an expert. If you continue to be confused on this issue to the point that it is hurting your current relationship, then you might want to consider seeking help and advice from a professional counselor or therapist.
I wish you the best of luck in figuring out what it is that you are truly looking for in a partner, in love, and in life. Please keep me posted in the future as to how things are going, I would love to know how things turn out for you in the future.
July 23rd, 2014
My name is Karl and I am from Albuquerque, NM. My crossdressing name is Renae. I am 48 years old, 5'6", 205lbs., short brown hair and blue-gray eyes.
I don't have a problem finding shoes(I wear a size 12 in women's shoes), I wear a size 38 in men's jeans which I believe is a 14-16 in women's jeans, shorts,and skirts, but I have trouble sizing shirts, blouses, dresses, wigs, and fingernails. I wear a large in shirts, my bust is a 44. As far as a wig is concerned do you recommend going with the same color as my natural hair. I also love long hair on women, so I was thinking maybe a little past the shoulders or maybe to the middle of my back. My favorite shoes are high heel boots, could you give me some outfit ideas for them? Also, I am also a bit nervous going out in public. How did you overcome your nervousness? Also, do you have any exercises to do for helping me to walk in high heels? Thank you Tammy for your help.
Albuquerque, New Mexico
Thank you for your email, I appreciate you taking the time in sharing your questions & concerns with me. I certainly understand what you are going through, as all of us have had to go through this in the begining, and it can be very frustrating and confusing.
I have included the links to two of my articles that I believe will help you. The first article talks about how to convert men clothing sizes to women clothing sizes. In the article, I have done all the conversions for you to make it as simple as possible. The second article is all about choosing the right wig, I hope you will find it helpful as well.
When it comes to walking in high heels, it just takes some time and a lot of practice to get used to them. Just remember that you have to train yourself to walk differently in heels then you did in mens shoes. You can't walk heel-toe, you have to consciously remember to walk toe-heel... the complete opposite. The rest is just about learning balance. Once you get that down, then you will be able to work on your stride. It just takes patience and practice, but you will get the hang of it eventually. I suggest starting out with a short heel, and then working your way up to a higher heel.
As far as going out in public for the first time is concerned, that can be an extremely intimidating challenge. I would love to tell you that one day you will know when you are ready to go out in public for the first time, but the truth is, you will never feel like you are ready. You could look like the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth and you will still feel scared to go out. That will most likely never go away. It's kind of like learning to swim on your own for the first time... you have to just throw caution to the wind and jump right in. However, once you do, you will feel so free and liberated. My suggestion is to not do it alone. For your first time, try and go out with some other transgender girls if you know any. When you are around others like yourself, you have more confidence. Also, take baby steps and do it in stages. Before you actually go out to a particular place, just get in your car and drive around for an hour one night, and then go home.... that's it. That way you went out in public, but you didn't actually get out and go somewhere. Then another night, just drive up to a gas station, get out of the car, pump some gas, and then go home. Work your way up to actually going out somewhere. Then, when you finally take the jump to go out somewhere, go to somewhere that is neutral territory. Pick an LGBT club to go to where there will be others like you for your first time. There, even if someone can tell you are not a genetically born woman, you will know that they will not care... that they will be totally accepting. It will help build up your confidence.
Once you finally take that step to go out in public, you will realize that you had been getting yourself all worked up an intimidated over nothing. You will realize that most people are not even paying attention to you to notice that you are not a genetically born woman. Even if someone does notice, most people won't even care.
I hope you found my advice helpful. Please email me back sometime and let me know how everything went. I wish you the best of luck!
June 15th, 2014
I was reading your article [“Why Straight Men Love Transgendered Women?”] and I found it extremely interesting and relevant to me.
I am a straight man.. I do not discriminate between women who maybe of different nationalities, skin, race, trans or non trans women. I am very attracted to Femininity and it turns me on a lot. I am not a tranny chaser or admirer I would say I am more of a skirt chaser than anything, lol.
what I am about to say may sound like a date a lot it is just I have not found my partner for life ye;. some of the women I date are also labeled drag as well. I frustrate them because I am only attracted to them when they are fem. But many of the women I have meet seem very surprised by and how I treat them. I hear a lot, "You are not the usual man I date.""Chivrous," 'one posted online, "Finally a gentalman.", another calls me her "Knight." While some do not know how to react. for they have been treated so differently and mostly bad over the years they do no know how to treat a man like me.
I do happened to date 50/50 trans/non-trans women lately. I have story of one women I went out with and she told me is a transsexual and I answers, "And... Your point..." with a smile. She was very surprised I had little reaction, because It was not a factor for me. With the women I date I am semi discreet I what I say. I have no problem going out in public to any event, location, setting with an attractive woman but I don't not advertise or tell people (except immediate family when I am getting serious).
I was asked to I only date transwomen and I said, "No. I date women, some of who may not have been born exactly biologically female. And asking me if I only date transgender women is like asking me if I only date Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, Christian, Muslim, etc... women. Why would I limit my opportunities to find love."
I know in your article that you mentioned that men are attracted to the women because they are more feminine. I have a couple of things to add to that. I have also found that many of the women that happen to be trans are interested in many of the same hobbies, interests, music, movies, food, etc... I have some of the best conversations on so many topics. And to me conversations can be very sexy and exciting. I like a woman that has an opinion on things i.e. the old what you want to have for dinner conversation, or movie to see or music to listen too. And some Genetic women do not have that. also I am a bit of a geek and nerd and have a passion for Sci-Fi and fantasy and well many GG women don't seem to have an interest and if they do it is the bubble pop fluff vampires stuff i.e. twilight, Hunger games, divergent, etc... crap.
I also like what I find sexy are outfits on women. it is a fetish and strong one too, i.e. nylons, pantyhose, tights, leotards... I am a person that lived through the 80's. I have had to fight with GG women to wear them for me but Trans hell no, they seem to have as much an interest to wear them as I want them to wear for me.
I would very much like to talk more about all this and give you my point of view on anything. I can't speak for the rest of the straight men but I can speak for me. I can talk about many aspects.
Thank you for writing me, I greatly appreciate it. I must admit that when first reading the beginning part of your email, I was starting to sense that you are a very selfish kind of man when it comes to relationships, and possibly a womanizer. You sounded like you were only concerned with what you get out of a relationship, or what your partner offers you, but not what you can offer your partner.
After reading your email several times over, I'm willing to believe that i'm just misinterpreting it, and you were just having problems expressing your thoughts through the email. Regardless, you definitely have a point on the one issue you brought up towards the end of your email. One of the major reasons why a lot of straight men are attracted to transgender women is because transgender women do tend to have a lot more in common with straight men. We do share a lot of the same interests and hobbies, where genetic women tend to not.
Thank you again for your email, and I wish you the best of luck in finally finding the right woman for you... transgender or genetic.
May 28th, 2014
I am male but i feeling I am female... please help me. Every time i thaught my own body how to change and i pray to daily god Please give me my original female body. Please send reply.
Thank you for your email and sharing your dilemma with me. Though your email was short, it was very much to the point. It sounds like you are extremely confused, frustrated, and desperate for answers. Unfortunately I can not give you advice on what to do based on what little you told me, nor am I qualified to do so. What I can suggest to you, and strongly recommend, is that you seek the advice of a professional. If what you are telling me is truly how you feel, and you truly are transgender, then you may want to consider transitioning.
If so, you will need the help, advice, and direction from a true professional... help that I can't give you.
I wish you the best of luck,
April 8th, 2014
My name is Jeff /Jesse I recently came out to my wife in January about being transgender.
A couple of years ago I experimented with pm ,pueraria mirifica excuse me if the spelling is not correct. Anyway I ended up growing small breast and now I want to grow them bigger and become more female. I know I should see a therapist but i don't want to right now I'm looking for work right now and once I get to working I'm going to ask my wife if I can go on her hopefully pretty soon. Anyway I'm 6`6" tall I'm a thin body and have a size 15 shoe these things are one of many things that's keeping me from transitioning besides what family and friends will think about me and I'm a father of four children 3 are in their 20's and a 8 year old.I know this is a lot but I'm 47 and it isn't looking like its a good thing to transition because of my age and body size is their any trans women my height out there or is this an un-achievable dream?
P.S. Yes, you did spell Pueraria mirifica correctly.
I am just scrolling the internet and came upon your article feb 22,2013. I am trying to Educate myself on the TG society,- I am straight-married-kids,etc..
I have a clothing line as my hobby and I reached out to the TG group in Harrisburg and will be at the conference in Harrisburg with a booth.
I respect the TG society - they are who they are... I wanted to go school to specialize in counseling for TG groups, unfortunately that wont happen.. Can you give me advice on material I can read. I hear so many sad stories of these young kids and just want to support them. It disturbs me how people are cruel and don't understand, and how TG individuals get so depressed. they need to live life and it is so hard for some..
Thank you so much for contacting me. I admire and commend you on your desires to become a TG counselor, even if it doesn't happen. There is a newer book that was published last year by Author Karen Sinclair titled, “About Whoever: The Social Imprint on Identity and Orientation.”
I myself am actually quoted in the book a couple of times (pages 115 & 116). I will admit that i have not read the entire book yet, only parts of it so far. However, from what I have read so far, it is a very interesting book that I believe you may find useful. If you have any other questions, or if there is anything else I can do for you, please feel free to email me at email@example.com